Tag Archives: time-out

Parental Anger: Modeling Anger Control for a Child

Parental Anger:
Modeling Anger Control for a Child

Children need to learn how to control their anger – how to use their words instead of their hands or feet. They learn this best by watching their parents, who are always modeling for them. Without even understanding the dynamics of anger (see Anger = Expectation + Interpretation, version.1 and version 2), you can teach your child self-control and constructive expression of angry feelings by practicing the following techniques when you start feeling angry. The more you can catch yourself and do these things before you start yelling, the quicker your child will learn to take a time out voluntarily and use her words instead of her hands or feet.

Continue reading

Expressing Anger

Expressing Anger

THREE TECHNIQUES FOR COMMUNICATING WHEN ANGRY

When you are angry or frustrated, it’s almost impossible to NOT communicate those feelings.

So you might as well do it constructively, and increase the chances of relieving your tension as well as making things better with the other person.

You will automatically be expressing yourself non-verbally through body language, facial expression, and tone of voice. So do it right. Here are three things that will help you control the expression of your angry feelings in a way that is not only non-threatening to others, but also constructive in the sense that you and your child will be able to benefit from your anger.

Continue reading

How to Use Time-Out

How to Use Time-Out

The “time-out” has become a parenting staple in our culture. It is commonly used to give children a chance to think about their misbehavior in the hope that they will reflect on their actions and determine not to repeat them in the future. That’s the theory. In practice, however, the time-out amounts to little more than a punishment for bad behavior. It’s very similar to the old fashioned “dunce cap” routine.

It is certainly true that children need to learn self-control in general, and particularly in relation to expression of their anger – how to use their words instead of their hands or feet. They learn this best by watching their parents, who are always modeling for them.

It is also true that children need to learn right behavior, or how to behave properly. Parents know what proper behavior is for a child, and in the course of an ordinary day they find many occasions to tell their children what that is.

Questions about Time-Out

Continue reading

Parent-Child Harmony: Influencing the Child to Change

Parent-Child Harmony:
Influencing the Child to Change

How the Parent Influences the Child to Change

In my previous article, “Parent-Child Harmony & Harmony in Music,” I described the dynamics of harmony in music as an example of why the parent must be the first to change when parent and child are in conflict, or discord.

This is a radical departure from normal parenting behavior (yelling, demanding, arguing) because it constitutes a “backing off” by the parent from the discord and conflict of the moment. Rather than giving a misbehaving or angry child a “time out” or a tongue lashing, the parent gets “in harmony” with the child’s upset feelings and desires at the moment not by getting angry or yelling, but by empathically moving into harmony with child by being aware that “there’s disharmony here.” Thus the parent elevates the interaction to a higher level by backing off from the war of wills through empathic attention. Then the parent takes the time-out to think things over and plan the next steps, and what s/he is going to do and say.

Now I want to describe the next steps a parent can take to influence the child to make a change.

Continue reading

Harmony in Music and Relationships

Harmony in Music and Relationships

In music, two or more notes harmonize when the wave lengths of their respective vibrations are compatible and produce a pleasing sound. You do not have to be a musician or mathematician to know when they are discordant–they are not compatible, and they are not in harmony. They don’t sound good together. There’s nothing wrong with either note, of course. They are equally good and legitimate notes. They just don’t sound pleasing to the ear when played together. You could say they are “fighting” each other.

So too in a relationship. Two people who are not on compatible  “wave lengths” could be said to be discordant, or fighting each other in some way. Add a third person who is not on the same “wave length” either, and you’ve got a real mess.

Discord in the Parent-Child Relationship

Continue reading