Tag Archives: listening skills

Calming the Explosive Volcano — Handout Set

Calming the Explosive Volcano—Handout Set

Please click on this link  Handout List to view the contents of the course “Calming the Explosive Volcano.”

You will notice that the hand outs are divided into three sections:
1. Old School and New School Parenting;
2. Listening and Other Relationship Skills for Parents;
3. Use Listening to Co-create Agreements.

Listening is the only way help calm an erupting volcano, hard as it might be. The real value in using the listening skills/techniques presented in this course and the hand outs is that they empower the parent to reach agreements about how the child will behave the next time s/he becomes frustrated  and would ordinarily fly into a rage, a tantrum, or angry meltdown. You can’t put the cork back in the champagne bottle once is bubbling over, and you can’t reason with a child during an explosive eruption. But you CAN use the parent’s “magic wand” (listening skills) help the child think through his/her problem and come to an agreement with you about a better way to deal with a frustrating situation the next time it occurs. This can be done  with children as young as two years and adults as well.

For a detailed presentation of the 9 key relationship skills needed in all healthy adult-adult or parent-child relationships, see the details of my book, 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony.

Learn More about 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony

3 Listening Skills

3 Listening Skills

There are many goals for listening to a child, including: 1) to understand the child’s motivating thoughts and feelings; 2) to convey your empathy (understanding); 3) To create trust by creating a safe space; 4) to invite the child to say more; 5) to teach the child how to listen by modeling it; 6) to initiate and encourage dialogue.

These techniques, practiced as often as your child speaks, will become skills after a while. They are the most important relationship skills you can use with your child–or anyone. Listening cannot be done when you are talking, so it goes without saying that in order to listen while your child speaks, you must keep your mouth shut and pay full attention. The three listening skills (techniques) are as follows.

1. Acknowledging.

Acknowledging validates the child’s ideas or feelings as legitimate, even though these might be different from your own. It means you are listening without judging or criticizing. Thus, it encourages them to say more, which is what you want, since you are listening to understand. This is a great way to lay groundwork for offering support, help, or a suggestion. Acknowledging does NOT mean you agree with what they said, but rather you heard what they said, and you accept it as their own truth for them at the moment.

Examples: “Oh.” “Uh-huh.” “I see.” “Wow!” “Really!” “Holy smokes!” “Hmm.” “Okay.” Also non-verbal acknowledging: eye contact, nodding, and silence.

2. Questions.

This listening technique is completely natural. We ask questions all the time. The real challenge to asking our child questions as a means of inviting her to talk more is that, in-between the questions, we listen intently to what the child is saying, and think of another question to ask her that addresses what her response to the first question was, instead of coming out with our own response or asking a pre-planned question that has nothing to do with what she said. The only purpose here is to better understand where our child is coming from, and we are trying to encourage her to say more.

The “5-Question Technique”: ASK FIVE QUESTIONS IN A ROW–without expressing a single idea of your own. No objections, no explanations, no criticisms. If you don’t understand what was said, ask “What do you mean?” All this will help you know what to say when you finally do offer the child your ideas. If you can’t do five questions, do three. If you can’t do three, do two. Practice building up to five.For more detail on how to ask questions, please see my book 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony.

3. Reflecting (This is called “Active Listening” by Thomas Gordon in Parent Effectiveness Training and in Discipline That Works).

Reflecting is the most unusual technique and therefore perhaps the most difficult of the listening skills. At first, it seems like a very UN-natural way to respond to somebody, but the effect it often has is to encourage the child to say more about what they just said. These are always statements, not questions.

Reflecting statements always mirror, or reflect, back to the child what they said or seem to be communicating non-verbally. Reflecting statements are not opinions of your own. They are you, mirroring what you think the child is communicating, verbally or non-verbally. They do not mean you agree with what the child said! They only mirror back what you think the child communicated.

Examples of Reflecting

Level 1: Parroting. You say what the child said, using the same words. He says, “I hate you!” You parrot back, “You hate me.” Your intention is to encourage the child to say more so you can learn what is making him angry.
Level 2: Paraphrasing. You summarize what the child said, in your own words after a long winded statement. “Oh, so you hate me because I don’t let you do what you want, and I treat your sister better than you.”
Level 3: Interpreting. You interpret the child’s emotions or the meaning of their words. “So I take it you are really angry at me.” “Gee, you look sad, honey.” “It sounds like you mean you want to run away.”

Remember, you are condoning or agreeing with the child’s ideas here. You are simply mirroring back what he said. This has the effect of inviting him to say more.


Ideas presented in  this article are expanded in greater detail in my book 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony: A New-School Approach to Relationship Skills for Parents. The book is available for purchase in downloadable pdf format or in printed soft-cover. You can check it out with the following links:
     Learn more.         Buy Now.        Table of Contents & Intro

Listening Skill #3: Reflecting

Listening Skill #3: Reflecting

What I mean by saying that “reflecting” is a listening skill is. The parent acts like a mirror verbally stating the emotion that she (the parent) thinks the child is experiencing, or the meaning she thinks the child is expressing. Example: “So, you are feeling angry.” Or, “I think you are saying you don’t want to go, is that right?” Or, “Gee, that must have been embarrassing.”. More examples are given below.

This technique is eferred to as “Active Listening” by Thomas Gordon, who really emphasizes it in his writings and training classes. I prefer the term “reflecting” because my two other listening skills (acknowledging and asking questions) require the parent to actively communicate with the child.
This “reflecting” technique or skill is the most unusual and therefore perhaps the most difficult of the three listening skills. At first, it seems like a very unnatural way to respond to somebody, but the effect it often has is to encourage the child to say more about what they just said. This is what you want–that the child gets the idea that you are “tuned in” and want to hear more of his ideas on the topic being discussed.
Reflecting statements always mirror back to the child what they said or seem to be communicating non-verbally. They are always statements. They are not to be delivered as questions. If you choose, you might follow the statement with a question to verify accuracy of what you said.
Reflecting statements are not opinions of your own. They are you, simply mirroring what the other is communicating, verbally or non-verbally. They do not mean you agree with what the child said! They only mirror back what the child communicated.
Reflecting has three levels. Continue reading

Listening Skill #2: The 5-Question Technique

Listening Skill  #2: The 5-Question Technique

On the one hand, this listening technique is completely natural. When we want to know more, what do we do? We ask. On the other hand, what makes this technique different is that in-between the questions, we listen to each of the child’s responses that we’re getting and

Continue reading

Listening is 90% of Communication. Why?

Listening is 90% of Communication. Why?

What is said here about a parent listening to a child
applies equally to an adult listening to another adult.

To me the evidence is overwhelming. The importance of listening far outweighs the importance of speaking in creating and maintaining good communication. I go so far as to say that it counts for 90% of the communication process–and particularly of good communication. This is especially true of parents listening to children.

The Value, Power, and Results of Listening

Here’s a simplistic way to look at this. We have two ears, two eyes, and one mouth. Four out of five of those organs are for taking information in, and only one is for speaking it out. That’s 80% right there! Beyond that, though, listening has such incredible value and power in any  relationship, and it is difficult to do well, that it counts for a full 90% of what constitutes good communication. Consider the following.

Continue reading

Listening Skill #1: Acknowledging

Listening Skill #1: Acknowledging

“You can attract more flies with a spoonful of honey than a barrel of vinegar.” Anonymous

This old saying illustrates a profound truth: a little kindness goes a long way. Kindness is a lot more effective than bitterness. This idea applies to many aspects of life, but to none more so than relationships.

There is no better way to build or strengthen a relationship than by listening to another person, including a child. When anyone speaks, it is for the purpose of being heard, or listened to, including a child. Acknowledging is the first and simplest way of conveying to another person, including a child, that you are in fact listening. And conveying that simple fact is, by itself, strong encouragement for the child to keep talking. And this is what you want, if you accept the idea that listening is 90% of communication–or at least that listening is critically important to effective communication.

What Does “Acknowledging” Mean?

Continue reading