Category Archives: Three Illustrating Skills

3 Illustrating (Speaking) Skills

3 Illustrating (Speaking) Skills

“Illustrating” means “communicating” in the sense of speaking, because communicating is done not just with words but also non-verbally through body language, facial expression, tone of voice, and other non-verbal ways of illustrating our meaning. So ILLUSTRATING is the living space of Harmony House (my analogy for any relationship), because this is where you, the parent, live out your values and communicate to your child what’s important to you and what you want from him/her. The parent’s commitment should be: I will not invite what I don’t want. Instead, I will teach what I want by modeling it and by communicating verbally in a respectful manner.

The Three Illustrating Skills/Techniques

The following three techniques for communicating your ideas and values, your expectations and desires, become skills with practice.

1. Model desired behavior. If you are doing something disrespectful, illegal, or immoral, stop it. In other words, do what you want to see your children doing. Be the change you want to see.

2. Use honest, open communication. Children need to be able to trust their parents above everyone else. Parents must earn that trust by always being completely honest with them, and being as open with them as possible. There is no place for lying to children, not even using “little white lies.”

3. Use I-messages.”I-messages” are things I say about myself. “You-messages” are things I say about you, and they can often be disrespectful or insulting. When parents start a sentence with “I,” they communicate what they want or don’t want in a respectful manner. “I don’t like the way you are acting. I’m willing to listen to when you settle down.” The I-message that stops arguing is “I don’t do it.” “I will not argue with you.”
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3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony is my book  that describes in detail the differences between the Old School Parenting model and the New School Parenting model.  Please see these links if you are interested in more information or wish to purchase.

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I-Messages

I-Messages

How to Talk Respectfully
(And Invite Respectful Responses)
Illustrating Skill #3 

An I-message is a message in which I tell you something about myself, like “I thought it was best for me to leave when I did.” Or, “I left when I did because I didn’t want to be late for my appointment.” Or, “I left when I did because I was feeling uncomfortable.” It amounts to a bit of self-disclosure. The subject of the sentence is always “I.”

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