Author Archives: Chuck Adam

The Problems with Punishments (Long Version)

The Problems with Punishments (Long Version)

Punishing children creates a number of problems, which, when taken together, can be both serious and counterproductive. In general, punishments are an invitation to trouble, and often carry with them significant, unintended, negative consequences. Punishments should therefore be avoided with all children, no matter their age. There are better ways than punishments for dealing with children’s unacceptable behavior. More about that later. First, let’s consider some of the problems with punishments.

1.   Punishments are often ineffective. Parents run out of things to take away. Children often reach a point where they just don’t care what punishment the parent imposes. Mountains of research over the  years conclusively demonstrate that positive consequences (rewards and appreciation) are far more effective than negative consequences (punishments) in influencing children to behave well. (This is true even with animals.) I have heard many, many parents in my classes say that punishments usually don’t deter anything. They just make things worse as the child becomes even more resistant or disobedient.

2.    Punishments are hurtful “power and control” tactics, and are really a form of bullying. In our culture the word “discipline” has come to mean “punishment.” The purpose of punishment is to inflict some kind of pain with the hope of both teaching a lesson and deterring future misbehavior. Unfortunately, it’s intended to teach children to behave properly by scaring them into submission. The real lesson that punishment teaches, then, is that when someone doesn’t do what you want, you try to hurt them and/or scare them into submission to your will. Parents are in many ways more powerful than children, and parents who punish use their power to “bully” the child into submission.

3.   Through punishments children learn to bully. Children learn what they experience and what their parents model.  Thus, punishments really teach them the wrong lesson: namely, “I’ll hurt you if you don’t give in to my will.” This is not only bullying, but also the perfect recipe for creating a bully. Ever wonder why bullying in schools is so widespread? Or why stronger siblings bully weaker ones? Perhaps it’s because parents routinely bully children with punishments and thus inadvertently teach children that it’s okay to hurt someone weaker than you in order to get them to bend to obey you. On the other hand, children raised by parents who use little punishment, but instead use more effective interpersonal skills in response to misbehavior, are not likely to bully weaker peers or siblings.

4.   Beyond bullying, children learn that violence is acceptable. American society is perhaps the most violent society in the world. Could it be that a major contributing factor is the way we raise our children, by using varying degrees of violent behavior from verbal bullying to physical abuse, to “beat them into submission”? I am referring here to verbal bullying and abuse as well as physical, and I’m calling all of it a form of violence against children. And it is completely unnecessary.

5.    Inflicting pain is not a loving act.  The end does not justify the means. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Rather than seeing a child’s misbehavior as an expression of his needs for autonomy and independence, or his need to vent anger, the parent who punishes sees only bad behavior and uses his/her power to inflict pain in an attempt to reduce or eradicate it. However, children are by definition immature, and their methods of getting their needs met or of expressing anger are likely to be self-centered, immature, and primitive. Isn’t this to be expected? Their misbehavior is often the result of a self-centered attitude that causes pain or injury to others–perhaps unintended, perhaps intended. In any event, children need to be taught to express themselves in loving ways that do not harm others. And parents need to be the ones who do the teaching.

6.    Punishments make parents the enemy, not the ally. In the eyes of the child, the parent is now the bad guy who, by inflicting pain, unwittingly invites from the child an anger response and a desire for “payback.” This has the effect of the parent inviting exactly what s/he does not want: greater defiance, more disobedience, and continued unacceptable behavior. The child learns to fight back by “pushing the parent’s buttons,” which is her way of using her own unrefined power to express anger and to bully the parent.

7.    Inflicting pain on children causes guilt reactions in parents. This is a powerful indicator that there is something inherently wrong with inflicting pain with punishments. Yet many Old School parenting experts and authors recommend it anyway, and expect parents to tolerate their guilt by going against what they instinctively know and feel. Inflicting pain is not a loving act, no matter how you cut it. I say, “Let your conscience be your guide.” If your behavior creates a guilt response in you, then you might just be doing the wrong thing, by your own standards. Your own conscience, your Higher Self, is telling you something important. Thank God you can feel it! A small percentage of sociopathic parents abuse and harm their children because they have no conscience and feel no guilt, and don’t know a better way. Don’t let Old School parenting experts talk you into acting like a sociopath.

8.    Punishments encourage children to get better at hiding their misbehaviors. I doubt very much that children who are treated with respect by their parents, and who are taught how to care about others by their parents, will turn to bullying younger, weaker, or more timid peers. To the contrary, children whose parents have the ability use to misbehaviors as occasions for teaching children better relationship skills will actually learn a better way.

9.   Parents punish because they don’t know a better way. In other words, when parents punish, they show their ignorance. Now, ignorance is not a bad thing, and I’m not blaming parents for being ignorant. It just means they haven’t learned something better. Parents raised by Old School, power-and-control parents, and taught by Old School power-and-control experts, quite naturally haven’t learned alternatives to Old School methods, even though those methods may not feel right or may be counterproductive. They need to learn a way of dealing with children’s misbehaviors that teaches children how they affect others and how to get their needs met in socially acceptable ways.

10.   Parents rationalize that punishments are not only necessary but beneficial. Many parents in my classes argue that punishments are good. Their own parents used them, and they turned out fine. They maintain that punishments did indeed deter their bad behavior, and they say they learned important life lessons from punishments. To that I say, “Are those methods working with your children?” They usually say “No.” Beyond this, many say they have not had a good relationship with their parents, evan as adults, due largely to the way they were treated. The lesson here is that as Old School, power and control methods, punishments may be effective in the short term, but they often produce long-term damage to the parent-child relationship. What parent would knowingly invite that?

11.   Punishments can relieve a child of guilt for doing wrong. In many cases punishments have what on the surface appears to be a short-term advantage: children often feel they deserve to be punished, after which they feel relieved. What could be wrong with that? While societal punishment after a crime may have merit as a deterrent with criminals who feel no remorse, it’s not that way with children in the family. A pattern of a) lack of self-control, b) guilt, c) punishment, and d) relief may inculcate a desire, based on fear, of not getting caught next time. But does it teach the child why what he did is wrong?

12.   Punishments do not exact from the child a commitment to do better next time. Punishment might relieve guilt, but where is the personal commitment to do better next time? Finding relief for guilt through punishment is a sorry substitute for a child learning empathy, respect, self-control, and effective relationship skills.

At the beginning of this section I mentioned that there are better ways than punishments for dealing with children’s unacceptable behavior. What are they? I referred several times to the answer: effective relationship skills. If parents really want to teach children appropriate behaviors and how to be caring, responsible, and cooperative, then teaching them to develop effective relationship skills is the way to do it.

So, what are these effective relationship skills? And how is a parent to teach them? In this book I am presenting parents with nine key relationship skills–three listening skills, three illustrating (speaking) skills, and three disciplining skills. Parents who already use them well naturally, or learn to use them by practicing them, will almost assuredly teach them to their children. Why? Because children learn to do what they see their parents doing.

The long and the short of it comes down to this: instead of rules and punishments (the Old School approach) I am proposing agreements and accountability (the New School approach). I’m arguing that parents who effectively use listening skills and illustrating skills can then effectively use discipline skills–one of which is holding the child accountable for misbehavior that breaks their own agreement with the parent.

So, take heart! You can stop using punishments, just as you can stop using other power and control tactics, like yelling. I always say that practicing techniques equals developing skills. By practicing the techniques presented in this book you will learn and also teach the relationship skills that make punishments unnecessary. And that learning and teaching is what discipline is all about.

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3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony is my book  that describes in detail the differences between the Old School Parenting model and the New School Parenting model.  Please see these links if you are interested in more information or wish to purchase.

Learn more.    Buy Now.   Table of Contents & Intro

The Problems with Punishments (Short Version)

The Problems with Punishments (Short Version)

Parents often punish when they are angry because they are frustrated and don’t know what else to do. It’s what they learned from their own parents. But punishing children in anger creates a number of problems that can be both serious and counterproductive. Let’s consider some of the problems with punishments.

1. Punishments are often ineffective. Parents run out of things to take away. Children often reach a point where they just don’t care what punishment the parent imposes.

2. Punishments are hurtful “power and control” tactics, and are really a form of bullying. In our culture the word “discipline” has come to mean “punishment.” The purpose of punishment is to inflict some kind of pain with the hope of both teaching a lesson and deterring future misbehavior.

3. Through punishments children learn to bully. Children learn what they experience and what their parents model. Thus, punishments really teach them the wrong lesson: namely, “I’ll hurt you if you don’t give in to my will.” This is not only bullying, but also recipe for creating a bully.

4. Beyond bullying, children learn that violence is acceptable. American society is perhaps the most violent society in the world. Perhaps because of the way we our children?

5. Inflicting pain is not a loving act. Rather than seeing a child’s misbehavior as an expression of his needs for autonomy and independence, or his need to vent anger, the parent who punishes sees only bad behavior and uses his/her power to inflict pain in an attempt to intimidate.

6. Punishments make parents the enemy, not the ally. In the eyes of the child, the parent is now the bad guy who, by inflicting pain, invites an anger response and a desire for “payback.”

7. Inflicting pain on children causes guilt reactions in parents. This is a powerful indicator that there is something inherently wrong with inflicting pain with punishments.

8. Punishments encourage children to get better at hiding their misbehaviors. I doubt very much that children who are treated with respect by their parents will need to hide the truth from them.

9. Parents punish because they don’t know a better way. In other words, when parents punish, they show their ignorance–which simply means they haven’t learned something better.

10. Many parents rationalize that punishments are not only necessary but beneficial. Their own parents used them, and they turned out fine. But many say they have not had a good relationship with their parents, evan as adults, due largely to the way they were treated.

11. Punishments can relieve a child of guilt for doing wrong. In many cases children often feel they deserve to be punished, after which they feel relieved – and free to offend again.

12. Punishments do not exact from the child a commitment to do better next time. Finding relief for guilt through punishment is a sorry substitute for a child learning empathy, respect, self-control, and effective relationship skills, along with a commitment to treat people right next time.

If punishments are ineffective with your child, try my New School approach: the Behavior Dialogue and the Accountability Dialogue.

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3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony is my book  that describes in detail the differences between the Old School Parenting model and the New School Parenting model.  Please see these links if you are interested in more information or wish to purchase.

Learn more.    Buy Now.   Table of Contents & Intro

Separated and Divorced Parents: What a Winner Does

Separated and Divorced Parents:
What a Winner Does

I often see separated or divorced parents who cannot manage to make co-parenting work. They just cannot seem to come together and establish productive communication on behalf of their children. Why is this? And what does it take to successfully meet the challenges of this difficult relationship?

The following are my observations, based on my work with separated or divorced parents.

One winner can change the game and make it work acceptably well for the benefit of the kids. Even better, two winners can literally transform the game and make it work remarkably well both for the kids and for themselves. Together they ensure that the children are not “emotional footballs.”

What constitutes a winner? A winner is a parent who wins the personal challenge of getting the best of his/her own ego. A winner does not win a battle against the other parent. A winner wins the battle against his/her own self – specifically, his/her own ego, or the “little me,” as Eckhart Tolle says. A winner changes the way s/he plays the difficult game of co-parenting by consistently treating the ex and the children with integrity.

Here are some of the more important positive characteristic behaviors of a winner.

WHAT A WINNER DOES:

• Acts civilly, even respectfully
• Maintains personal integrity
• Does what s/he says
• Follows through
• Avoids the past
• Focuses on present and future
• Provides suggestions for making it work
• Provides verifiable information
• Agrees to disagree
• Agrees to compromise
• Puts kids first
• Readily makes concessions
• Leaves grandparents out of squabbles
• Exercises self-control at all times

WHAT A WINNER DOES NOT DO:

• Make snide remarks
• Criticize, scold, or belittle the other
• Criticize the other to the kids
• Bring up past hurts
• Discount the other’s statements
• Avoid the other’s questions
• Make negative interpretations
• Avoid decisions and commitments
• Use the kids to communicate
• Make money the priority
• Exaggerate, lie, or distort
• Argue the “facts”
• Use the past to denigrate the other
• Give decision-making power to the attorneys

In short, winning is the process of overcoming one’s ego, as opposed to overcoming the other parent.

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For a detailed presentation of the 9 key relationship skills needed in all healthy adult-adult or parent-child relationships, see the details of my book, 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony.

Learn More

Children Are Not Emotional Footballs: Part 2, What Can Be Done?

Children Are Not Emotional Footballs:
Part 2, What Can Be Done?

In my mind it is no wonder that children of separated or divorced parents often exhibit behavioral problems in the home, school, or community. High levels of stress between warring parents immediately and directly spill over onto their children, almost inevitably.

So the question arises, What can possibly be done to reduce the pain and suffering of all involved in the family? How can these parents, who bear the responsibility of finding ways to cope with their own considerable hardship, reduce the hardship that their children endure?

Obviously, each parent needs emotional support – and perhaps other forms as well – from trusted allies. It goes without saying that each deserves, and hopefully can find, caring people who can help them through one of the most difficult life transitions that humans can experience.

In addition to taking care of themselves with support from their personal, informal networks, separated or divorced parents also bear the awesome (shall I say daunting?) responsibility of caring for their children as well. And not just during the separation or divorce process, but for years afterward.

Mediation classes or counseling, often required by statute, can do much to help separating or divorcing couples look comprehensively at their very complex situation and come to practical agreements that both parties can live with.

Social service agencies, churches, and informal self-help support groups often provide support and/or classes that offer guidelines on how to handle specific aspects of this complex life transition.

Numerous books and articles are available to provide parents with detailed advice on these very challenging complexities.

Therapists and coaches who have training and experience in dealing with communication and other relationship issues can be found to help separated and divorced couples explore their unique situations. One size doesn’t fit all, certainly, and it might take a couple of exploratory meetings to find someone who can help well-intentioned former partners arrive at difficult decisions that benefit both themselves and their children.

From My Perspective

My own experience – some thirty-plus years as a therapist, followed by numerous years as a relationship coach – has taught me that so very much depends upon the maturity, strengths, and weaknesses of each parent. It rarely happens that one parent is clearly and decisively “to blame” for the failure of their relationship, although alcohol and/or drug use and criminal behavior heavily weight those odds and tilt the playing field. But even in those cases, the maturity, strengths, and weaknesses of each parent become the predominant factors in determining the outcomes for the couple and for their children.

In my coaching work with separated or divorced couples in the Milwaukee area, I have found that each parent is always partially responsible for the failure of the relationship and the suffering incurred by themselves and the children. Without a willingness to look at self and honestly assess one’s own weaknesses in terms of behavior patterns and the underlying motivating feelings, thoughts, and beliefs, there is little that one parent, no matter how well-intentioned, can do to help self or the children. I have found that some parents have the strength and desire to look at their own weaknesses and work to correct them, while others do not.

On the other hand, if both parents can find a reservoir of humility and determination, very significant gains can be made that both lessen their own pain and suffering and also reduce the angst and confusion of their children. But it takes work, and a real commitment to putting forth the effort. I have found myself “getting tough” with couples who want to harp on the past and who convince themselves that nothing will change because the ex has “always done this or that in the past.”

As Michael Josephson has said, “It is too easy to give up on ourselves when we let who we are today prevent us from seeing what we can be tomorrow.” To discount the other parent because of what s/he has “always” done in the past is a sure-fire way to discount oneself and what one can do in the future.

Conclusion

Don’t let your children suffer the fate of being emotional footballs. Know how that happens, reach out for the help you need, and embrace it with courage and integrity. If you know what a winner does, YOU, on your own, can change the way this difficult game is going to be played from now on. You may or may not have significant influence on your ex. But you can certainly have a strong positive influence on your children by maintaining your integrity and not treating them like emotional footballs.

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For a detailed presentation of the 9 key relationship skills needed in all healthy adult-adult or parent-child relationships, see the details of my book, 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony.

Learn More

 

Children Are Not Emotional Footballs, Part 1: How Does That Happen?

Children Are Not Emotional Footballs:
Part 1, How Does That Happen?

After separation or divorce, adult family members are often too invested in hanging on to their children’s allegiance at the expense of the “ex.” When this happens children become “emotional footballs” between separated or divorced parents and warring family factions.

Emotional Footballs

By “emotional footballs” I mean that children can become tantamount to a football that is used as a prize between two competing rivals. In a football game, both sides fight for possession of the ball and use it to score points. The ball is carried, thrown, or kicked to produce points, ultimately resulting in a win for one team over the other. Sadly, separated or divorced parents sometimes unwittingly use their own children (whom they love more than anyone in the world) as objects similar to footballs: things that become the central point of focus in an ongoing strategic power struggle against a bitter rival.

The following are some of the key aspects of the emotional power struggle between separated or divorced parents that can hurt children and in effect turn them into emotional footballs.

First, placement, visitation, and shared custody arrangements can be intensely conflictual for separated or divorced parents. Compromise on these points might become too difficult as each parent fights to gain possession of “the ball” at the expense of the ex. This can also be, however, at the expense of the children’s need to have an develop a positive, loving relationship with each parent.

Second, when divorced or separated parents don’t effectively keep their own emotions in check, or are intent on punishing each other, or reducing each other’s influence on their children, serious emotional wounds can be inflicted on the children. These hurts can have negative behavioral consequences, both short term and long term, and it can be seen in multiple areas of the child’s life.

For example:

a. Emotional wounds. Emotional wounds resulting from the parents’ constant fighting over them can include feelings of anxiety, insecurity, fear, guilt, shame, depression, helplessness, confusion, conflicted loyalties, and/or anger. In some cases children can even develop feelings of hatred towards on their children. I’ve seen it happen.

b. Behavioral problems. A whole range of behavioral consequences can develop, including hyperactivity, inability to focus, poor grades, bed wetting, combative behavior in home, school, or community, and any number of other forms of unlawful or anti-social behavior.

c. Damaged relationships. Parent-child relationships can become stressed and severely damaged for the long term. Although the conflicting parents rarely stop loving their children above everyone and everything else, children can develop deep and long-lasting feelings of resentment that can dampen or destroy their love for one or both parents.

d. Social functioning. Children under stress – perhaps more so than adults under stress – are likely to let that stress “leak out” and express itself in social situations outside the home. I cannot tell you how many times, in my years as a family therapist, I learned that school dysfunction (both academically and interpersonally) had its roots in the home. The same is true for children’s violent behavior in the street or at school, for stealing and lying, for drunkenness and other forms of antisocial behavior. As I tell participants in my Anger in the Family course, violence in the street cannot be eliminated by the police or the correctional system. It can only be eliminated by parents – parents who practice the relationship skills that turn conflict into harmony. And this goes for separated and divorced parents, too.

A third area of difficulty for separated or divorced parents can be memories of past history – the hurt, pain, and anger – between the separated or divorced parents can completely distort their willingness and/or ability to work cooperatively for their children. If allowed to, these memories can continue to fuel intense anger and distrust between them, making it almost impossible to deal with each other civilly – much less respectfully – for the benefit of their beloved children.

Fourth, money is almost always a major focus of tension in and of itself that can serve to intensify lingering past hurts, anger, and animosity. The process of separation and divorce from each other can inflict on one or both parents damaging, even devastating, financial consequences. Attorney fees and court expenses, support and alimony, housing and transportation, child care, schooling, recreation, and the myriad other costs of day-to-day living can dramatically burden separated and divorced parents, creating both current crises and long-term debt.

Fifth, other people – family members, stepparents, friends, and/or significant others (boy friends, girl friends) – can become key players in the sad and painful drama that rages between warring separated or divorced parents. For better or worse, often for worse, these other people can be intensely emotionally involved in the contest between the parents. Their behavior can significantly contribute to the suffering that the children are already experiencing, and fan the flames of mutual enmity between the parents.

You Can Do It Right

Know what can be done to prevent the mistake of making your children emotional footballs. By learning and practicing what a winner does, you can make the pain less intense for your children, and provide them with the structure and security they need and deserve.               ******************************************************

For a detailed presentation of the 9 key relationship skills needed in all healthy adult-adult or parent-child relationships, see the details of my book, 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony.

 

3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony

3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony:
A New School Approach to Relationship Skills for Parents

A downloadable ebook by
Chuck Adam, MSW

In this book, I present a comprehensive approach to parenting from the perspective of empathy, dialogue, agreements, and accountability as a radical departure from the Old School perspective of power, control, punishments, and more punishments that often don’t work.

Based on my forty-plus years of work with parents, children, and families, first as therapist then as educator and coach, this volume breaks new ground in the area of strengthening families through enhanced relationship skills for parents.

As one of my colleagues told me, I’m “turning parenting on its head.”

Incidentally, everything presented in this book is applicable not just to parents, but also to teachers and other adults who work with children, as well as to adults in their relationships with each other.

Here’s what the book is about.

The three steps, or strategies, that parents can take in developing more harmonious relationships with their children are:

  1. Listening. This is the foundation of any relationship, and the single most important action a parent (or anyone else) can take in relation to another person. I am convinced  that listening constitutes 90% of conmunication, and is the single best thing one can do to build trust, provide support, and resolve tension and conflict. I find  that effective listening is also the single hardest activity for parents to master in relation to their children. But learning to “listen first and talk second” will do wonders for securing a child’s cooperation, and it’s by far the best way to teach a child to listen to you.
    **
  2. Illustrating. Of course, as a parent you also speak, and have much to say and much to teach your children. You do this both verbally and non-verbally, and in this way you pass along your values, attitudes, and skills to your children, for better or worse. An attitude of respect is essential to good communication, as is the ability to use effective, methods of self-expression. The techniques I present here require a little self-awareness and self-discipline on your part. But they will put an end to yelling, threats, and many other forms of talk (“invitations to trouble”) that can cause hurt feelings and invite a child’s stubbornness and “payback.”
    **
  3. Disciplining. If you can effectively practice the first two steps or strategies (listening and illustrating), then you can engage in effective dialogue as the primary means of helping your child to change unacceptable behaviors. Dialogue is the heart of my New School approach to disciplining. And here I present a radical departure from the use of ineffective punishments, which can often make things worse. Rather than punishment, “discipline” means teaching. The techniques I present are intended to teach children cooperation, accountability, integrity, respect, and empathy. One technique is the Behavior Dialogue, aimed at securing the child’s commitment to acceptable behaviors. Another is the Accountability Dialogue, which replaces punishment with emotional learning experiences. This is discipline at its best.

In each of the three steps, or strategies (listening, illustrating, and disciplining), I present three specific techniques that can be used spontaneously everyday. With practice, anyone can become quite skilled at using them. They are actually relationship skills that can literally transform conflict and tension into harmony and cooperation in any relationship, including one between adults. The tenth technique or skill, the family meeting, gives parents a chance to periodically put them all together in a more structured setting.

As noted author and teacher Marianne Williamson has said, There is no single effort more radical in its potential for changing the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children. This book, I hope, is a step in that direction.

VIEW TABLE OF CONTENTS & INTRODUCTION

eBOOK, PRICE:   $9.95
192 pages
Downloadable as .pdf file
Buy Now
Read the book from your computer screen or print all of it or specific pages on your printer.

PRINT VERSION, PRICE:  $20
Same content as ebook
192 pages
Free delivery (book rate) in U.S.

Please send cashier’s check or money order made out to
Chuck Adam
6810 Cedar Street
Wauwatosa, WI 53213
USA

 

Anger in Relationships — Handout Set

Anger in Relationships — Handout Set

This 80+ page set of handouts if for a course that is 10-sessions in length — a course that literally saves people’s lives. If you, your child, or someone you are concerned about has an anger problem, the ideas in this set can literally bring about a life-changing transformation.

It is based on a thorough study of the “anger response cycle,” which describers how anger works form a psychological perspective (i.e., the causes of anger) and from a behavioral perspective (i.e., what to do with anger feelings).

The handouts describe in detail the 6 phases of the anger response cycle from “triggeer event” to “behavioral response.” This is an empowerment model becasue it clearly illustrates how our own thoughts about the trigger event cause our anger, not the trigger event itself. If we are insulted by an acquaintance in a public place, or by our own child, we are likely to respond with a flash of anger. Yet it is not the acquaintance or the child that makes us angry. It is our own “threat thoughts” about what was said or done that creates the angry feeling we experience.

This is an empowerment model because it clearly shows how our “threat thoughts” cause our anger and its intensity; but, by the same token, it is our thoughts (self-talk) that can minimize our anger and its intensity as well. Once we understand and accept that our thoughs cause our anger, we are empowered to correct our misguided thinking, which we can control. That, in turn, will minimize the intensity of our anger response, which we cannot so easilty control. The anger response is never wrong; it is the thinking that causes anger that is in error. And that can be fixed.

These handouts also address in detail the second half of the anger response cycle: what to do when angry. Whatever we say or do when angry is, again, controlled and determined by our thoughts — our “decision thoughts.” How should we best express our angry feelings so that we can turn tension, conflict, and anger into relief, harmony, and gratitude? The typical anger response of fight or flight might in rare instances be appropriate. But neither one resolves the problem that leads to anger.

There is only one behavioral response that can do this — and it has to do with words. Allmost al anger incidents start with words; and all anger incidents require words for resolution. What controls whether, and how, we use words in the anger situation? Our “decision thoughts.”

To summarize, these 80+ pages of handouts clearly show

  1. The causes of anger in all people (from toddlerds to old-timers, men and women);
  2. How anyone can minimize and control their angry feelings through self-talk (“mental gymnastics); and
  3. How anyone can use words to defuse a tense situation, and then introduce common understanding, agreement, and harmonious resolution.

Finally, no treatment of anger would be complete without dealing with the topic of forgiveness. All of us have, at one time or another, been hurt by someone — perhaps severely. Hanging on to these hurts can eat us up, and generate long-lasting toxic anger that can even cause serious physical illness.

Forgiveness is the only answer for our peace of mind. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. In these hadnouts I use other authors to show how to use specific techniques to help one person forgive another in order to move forward with life with a lighter, more joyful spirit.

Buy Now  80+ pages, $4.99
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For a detailed presentation of the 9 key relationship skills needed in all healthy adult-adult or parent-child relationships, see the details of my book, 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony.

Learn More about 3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony

 

Rate Yourself on 25 Examples of New School Parenting

Rate Yourself on 25 Examples of New School Parenting

Are you a “New School” parent? Or an “Old School” parent? Or somewhere in between? Rate yourself on my 25-example survey and find out. If you are pretty much stuck in the Old School ideas and parenting methods, there’s a good chance you are — or will have — trouble like conflict or defiance from a strong-willed or angry child. Check it out.

Click here: Rate Yourself on New School Parenting -25 Examples

                         ********************************
3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony is my book  that describes in detail the differences between the Old School Parenting model and the New School Parenting model.  Please see these links if you are interested in more information or wish to purchase.
     Learn more.    Buy Now.   Table of Contents & Intro

Minimizing Anger with Mental Gymnastics (Self-Talk)

Minimizing Anger with Mental Gymnastics (Self-Talk)

Anger in the family is the source of all interpersonal conflict, hate, and violence. And parents are the ones who teach children how to handle those powerful feelings. Almost all anger responses to a trigger event are caused by one and the same thing: a perceived threat to one’s ego.

See my “Anger = Expectation + Interpretation,” version 1 and version 2.

See my “Anger in Relationships” Hand Out set, 80+ pages of detailed description of the anger response cycle, including 1) how our Threat Thoughts create our own anger feelings (rather than someone else “making” us angry); and 2) how we must use our Decision Throughts to respond behaviorally with words  that can defuse any anger situation and transform confrontation into agreement.

And almost all forms of getting control over one’s angry feelings in a way that actually reduces, minimizes, or even eliminates angry feelings in a wide variety of everyday situations is the same: namely, self-talk, or what I call “mental gymnastics.” Since 99.9% of all anger responses are caused by our own ego, or our “little self,” our “oh so important self”) taking something personally, our personal battle with anger and hurt feelings takes place within our own head. It’s never really a battle between me and you. It’s always me. My ego vs. my Higher Self, the part of me that observes me, that knows what’s right, that knows what it means to love and to respect.

Here is how we can minimize (and even eliminate) the vast majority of our anger feelings that are a defensive response to the pain of our bruised egos.

My Time-Out

When we feel anger our Higher Self can step back and observe our ego, our “little me,” and put this observation into words. Our Higher Self might do some self-talk such as:

“Oh, here it comes again. My “little me” (the part that puts myself first, must win, and must be better than) must be feeling threatened by something it perceives as not me. Hmmm, that’s interesting. I wonder what it is that makes my “little me” feel threatened.

We might then say to the other person something like, “I need a timeout, I’m feeling angry. I’ll be back.” Then we might physically leave the situation and take a break while we ponder three things.

1) The other. What is it in this person right now that my “little self” is feeling so threatened by? What does my “little self” feel is so unacceptable that it feels threatened by it?
– Could it be my child’s angry defiance?
– Could it be this person’s disrespect for me?
– Could it be this person’s need to assert his/her personal power?
– Could it be his/her ability to resist my influence?
– Hmmm, that’s interesting…maybe that’s it.

2) Myself. Okay, so how is it that my “little self” feels so threatened by that? Is it possible that my “little self” does not recognize that aspect of the other person in me, too? Does my “little self” not see that I, too, have that same quality or need? Furthermore, is it possible that my “little self” might dimly recognize it in me, but refuses to accept it as something that I share? If my little self doesn’t want to accept it as a legitimate part of me, then why would my “little self” accept it as a legitimate part of the other? Hmmm, that’s interesting.

3) Acceptance. Well, maybe with a little more time I can talk my “little self” into accepting that same quality as part of me, too. And if I can deal with it adequately in me, them maybe my “little self” does not really need to be so afraid of it, and can accept it in the other.

The Dialogue

Then, having identified and consciously accepted the objectionable quality as something that’s part of me too, and not really all that bad, different, or threatening, my Higher Self has begun a very fruitful dialogue of acceptance with my “little me.” Then I might go back to the other person and re-engage with him/her, too, in a way that is more accepting and not so fearful, angry, and defensive. In other words, I could re-engage with that person in a way that is really much more compassionate, understanding, and accepting of him/her because I am more compassionate, understanding, and accepting of me.

At this moment my Higher Self might say to the other person something like, “Okay, Joan, let’s talk about what just happened.” Or, “Okay, John, do we need to talk about this? “ Or, “Okay, Michelle, do you have any more to say about what just happened?” Or, “Okay, Michael, I’d like to hear more of what you were saying.”

Now my Higher Self is in control–in control of my “little self” that is. And my Higher Self has begun a peaceful dialogue with the other person rather than an angry argument directed by my ego. Acceptance of that undesirable trait as part of me allows me to accept him/her as well as myself.

Hmmm, isn’t that interesting?

You can purchase, for only $4.99, my 80+ pages of Hand Outs from my course “Anger in Relationships” by clicking on Buy Now.
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3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony is my book  that describes in detail the nine key relationships skills that can transform any stressed relationship between adults, or between parent and child.

3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony is for adult relationships as well as parent-child relationships. It describes differences between the Old School Parenting model (power, control, and punishments) and the New School Parenting model (dialogue, agreements, and accountability). The ideas contained here represent a change from parenting harder to parenting smarter. They can transform a stressed adult-adult or parent-child relationship from conflict and arguments to one of cooperation and harmony. Please see these links if you are interested in more information or wish to purchase.
     Learn more.    Buy Now.   Table of Contents & Intro

Old and New School Parenting

Old and New School Parenting

In this category I have posted numerous articles describing the differences between my Old School model of how to be a parent, and my New School model of parenting.

The Old School model is not necessarily bad or wrong, but it is often ineffective, especially with strong-willed, resistant, out-of-control children. The Old School methods don’t seem to work well at all with these children, regardless of their age. The New School model offers an excellent alternative to the Old School model, and it is effective with all children, not just stubborn or defiant ones.

You will find a difference in the four basic operational principles of each model, as well as a wide variety of “new” techniques to use (see the category “9 Key Parenting Skills”). Parent-child dialogue is the heart and soul of the New School approach to parenting, and this can be very effective with all children, even as young as two years.

Finally, the category “New School Discipline” presents a totally different approach to discipline from the one almost all of us were raised with. Before exploring those posts, I recommend that you become familiar with the posts in this category, “Old and New School Parenting.” You’ll see that it contains a lot of significant differences from the way your parents raised you, and the way you may have been trying to raise your own kids.

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3 Steps to Parent-Child Harmony is my book  that describes in detail the differences between the Old School Parenting model and the New School Parenting model.  Please see these links if you are interested in more information or wish to purchase.

Learn more.    Buy Now.   Table of Contents & Intro